


Hoodies and Heartbreak

by AnarchyandArmistice



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Excessive use of italics, Flashbacks, How Do I Tag, Hurt/No Comfort, Look Dee's real sad, M/M, Self-loathing maybe?, Sympathetic Deceit, What was Deceit thinking before Can Lying Be Good?, Yeah I wrote this before Dealing with Intrusive thoughts, i guess?, i'm glad you asked, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-17
Updated: 2019-08-17
Packaged: 2020-09-08 02:34:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20282857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnarchyandArmistice/pseuds/AnarchyandArmistice
Summary: Yellow is an exciting color.It really is, although some may think it’s too bright or happy. Yellow symbolizes purity, although most people aren’t aware that ‘pure’ doesn’t necessarily mean ‘good.’This is all an exceptionally long way of saying that Deceit doesn’t want to take his gloves off.Or, Deceit reflects on how he ruined his own life.





	Hoodies and Heartbreak

**Author's Note:**

> Look, look, just fugckin look, I'm new at this. Is... not good. Sorry, I guess. But you clicked, so it's your problem. Ha.
> 
> Please don't hate me.

Yellow is an exciting color.

It really is, although some may think it’s too bright or happy. Yellow symbolizes purity, although most people aren’t aware that ‘pure’ doesn’t necessarily mean ‘good.’

This is all an exceptionally long way of saying that Deceit doesn’t want to take his gloves off.

The mirror in his room (his ugly, boring, _<strike>depressing</strike> _annoying room) is cracked down the middle, but it does provide an adequate view of Deceit’s Patton… Costume.

As far as he can tell, Patton’s outfit hasn’t changed recently, though he hasn’t seen the last two (or possibly three, but Deceit isn’t quite sure how two-part videos stack on the scale. Ha, puns) ‘Sanders Sides’ videos. Really, is it his fault? Guys and Dolls? Christmas carols? Who, exactly, would enjoy that?

Point being, he cannot physically bring himself to watch those videos.

Or, apparently, pull his hands free of the mustard yellow gloves he wears so dutifully.

Deceit sighs, staring at them in the mirror. Patton’s baby blue polo clashes horribly, but still. He can’t help it. He’s worn them for, oh, two years, now. They’re comfortable. Safe. They make him see why Virgil wore that insufferable hoodie everywhere.

The single yellow light bulb hanging from the ceiling flickers.

Deceit turns to the mass of black and faded white on his gray bed sheets. Just looking at it brings a sting to his eyes.

_Seth grins, picking Virge up by the seams of his giant hoodie. “Where’d you even find it, Vee?” _

_“Thomash’sh dad hash one jusht like it!” Seth looks down at Vee’s giant smile. They haven’t been able to figure out why he’s here yet, but he couldn’t care less. It’s so nice to finally have a friend. _

_“You’ve gotta get over your lisp, Vee! Or no one will ever take you seriously!” Virgil cocks his head at Seth too cutely, and he can't help but grab him up in a bear hug._

Deceit balls his gloved hands into fists. He swallows and sits on his lumpy mattress, taking the wad of fabric into his hands.

The damn thing is just as soft as he remembers. 

_ “But Seth!” Virgil whines, hanging off of the other Side’s arm. He’s mooning over Creativity, Logic, and Morality, who are playing in a field Creativity’s made. “I wanna play with the others!”  _

_ Seth growls. “We can’t, Virge, and we don’t need  _ them  _ anyway.”  _

_ “But–but I need you to go–go with me. I wanna play with all of you. I like all of you, and I wanna be friends–” _

_ “We can’t be friends with them, Virgil!” Seth whirls around, heat bubbling in his gut.  _

_ Virgil steps back, shaking. He draws that same black-and-white hoodie around himself like armor, like protection. Like what Seth was supposed to be.  _

_ The heat turns cold and collects behind Seth’s jaw like venom. Like poison.  _

_ They know what Virgil is, now. He’s Fear. He’s Anxiety. He’s always scared, and he acts like he’s bigger than he is and tougher than he is, even though he’s the smallest of them all. He tells Seth how acting like that makes him feel better. How Seth made him feel better. _

_ And now he’s scared of Se–of Deceit.  _

_ “Virgil, I–”  _

_ “No, it’s fine.” Virgil turns away. “I’m just gonna… go.” He walks off, and Seth stares between his friend and the other three sides, still frolicking in the make believe field.  _

His eyes sting, and there must be something in them, because a single tear is leaking out of his eye.

The nice thing about Deceit’s room is that his cracked mirror is visible in every corner, so at any time, he can look at himself and study his own self-hatred. 

Joy. 

Deceit sniffles and wipes his nose on the fucking hoodie. God damn it, it smells like cocoa, juicy fruit and nutmeg. Like Virgil. Fuck his life.

_ “Dee, it’s not the end of the world if we just freakin’ introduce ourselves!” Virgil smacks his gum, eyebrows drawn up.  _

_ “Virge, I can’t, we–they wouldn’t want us there.” _

_ Smack. “How do you know? Have you ever even tried?”  _

_ Seth’s teeth grind against each other. “Of course I’ve tried, Virgil! I’m not stupid! I know they wouldn’t accept us!” _

_ Smack, smack. “They won’t accept us now, or they didn’t when we were  _ five.”  _ Virgil’s eyes pool with tears, fuck. Fuck. “I just–I  _ know  _ they could help–” _

_ “They can’t help us, Virgil!” Seth screeches. The scales around his eye burn a little. Fuck. He’s not supposed to lie around Virgil. _

_ Smack, smack, smack.  _

_ Virgil doesn’t speak, just turns on his black combat boots and walks off. _

Deceit turns the hoodie in his hands one more time. The faint stain of their last coffee is still there. He hates this. 

His scales burn behind the thick mirage of Patton’s clear skin.

_ “Look, Deceit, I’m just saying.” _

_ “Your feet aren’t on my table. You need to put them on.”  _

_ “Would you stop doing that?” Virgil groans in frustration, sliding his legs off the teakwood. _

_ _

_ “Fine, I’ll stop,” Deceit concedes. _

_ _

_ Virgil sighs. “I’m trying to tell you that we could totally do this!” His eyes shine with an excitement Deceit hasn’t seen in too long. “Logan could debate with you on when to lie, Patton’s puns are really funny, and Roman–” Deceit flinches at the blush on Virgil’s cheeks.  _

_ _

_ Virgil clears his throat. “Roman is okay sometimes. But yeah, you could introduce yourself to Thomas! I know you want to, and–” _

_ _

_ Deceit isn’t sure what he’s thinking, but he knows that it was a mistake. Virgil glares at him, hand covering his mouth. If looks could kill, Deceit would be dead twelve times over. He releases his hold as fast as possible, getting out of his seat to rush over to his friend’s side of the table. “Virgil, I’m so sorry–” _

_ _

_ “Leave it.” Virgil says, voice booming in that unnatural way of his. “I don’t know why I bother.” _

_ Deceit shrinks back into himself. "Bother with what?” _

_ _

_ “This!” Virgil gestures between them. He stands, too. “We can’t keep doing this! I can’t stay like this! You–you–” He tugs on his hoodie, pulling it around himself. Armor. If he had the gum he depended on in their teenage years, he’d smack it, Deceit knows. “You’re making me worse! I’m trying, Dee, I’m trying to be more laid back, to be their friends too, but I can’t do this! I’m making Thomas’ life hell.” Virgil hugs himself.  _

_ _

_ Deceit knows what he should say now, how he should comfort his friend, tell him everything is fine, but he just can’t. He knows the  _ right  _ thing to say, but he isn’t that dopey blue-shirted idiot in Thomas’s heart. He just can’t do it. Everything hurts and he just can’t  _ do it.

_ _

_ “Then don’t.” _

_ _

_ Virgil takes a step back. “What?” _

_ _

_ “If being with all of us is too  _ hard,  _ don’t do it.” Deceit follows Virgil’s path, face moulding into the cocky sneer he wears all hours of the day. “If taking a few minutes out of your day to come see me, to be  _ real,  _ to be  _ good,  _ is too much for you, don’t bother!” He throws his hands up, playing his part so well Roman would be impressed. “Go! Find your new  _ family,  _ but don’t come back. And when you get hurt, when they don’t accept you, when  _ you’re the bad guy…” _ Deceit fucking hates the Mother Gothel vibes he’s putting out. “Don’t come back to me.” _

_ _

_ He sees it. Of course he does. Virgil forgets to put up his walls so easily.  _

_ _

_ The pain on his face is awful. Guilt pops and fizzes in Deceit’s gut. Then Virgil dons his own sneer, turns, and walks away. _

_ _

_ Deceit manages not to collapse in on himself, instead curling an arm around his stomach. Oh, god.  _

_ _

_ Virgil has only been introduced to Thomas a few videos ago. What if the others–what if they really never warmed up to Virgil? What if he had an anxiety attack around them? Would they know what to do? Would they want to help? What if they actually hated him? How would Virgil find his way without a safe place?  _

_ _

_ And Deceit just banished him from one.  _

_ _

_ Tears well in his eyes and he buries his face in his free hand. _

_ _

_ Fuck. _

Deceit stands, balling up the wad of black fabric and regret and throwing it on the bed. A growl tears its way out of his throat. Why is he blubbering over a memory? He doesn’t care. He doesn’t need Virgil, or Patton, or Logan, or Roman, or any of the rest of them. He doesn’t  _ want them– _

The burn of his scales prompt Deceit to take a glance at the mirror, and if he thought yellow wasn’t good for Patton’s accessories, he had no idea what it’d do to his face.

_ _

Regardless, the reflection has indeed reminded Deceit of why he has to do this. He rips off both of his pure, pure yellow gloves. The pock-marked and barely healed scabs fade into Patton’s perfect tan nearly immediately, as do the scales on his face. 

_ _

But Thomas can’t lose his friends for the  _ truth.  _ Not like Deceit has. 

_ _

_ “What is up everybody! Hope the year has been going well, for you, so far...”  _

_ _

Oh. It would seem his cue is here. 

_ _

_ “Mine has been nice. So far. Up until I MESSED EVERYTHING UP!” _

_ _

Deceit makes sure to reorient himself quickly. “Why, what happened?” 

_ _

Thomas will not lose his friends.

_ _


End file.
